Musing no. 11: Are you awake?

Hi, it’s me.

Today, I feel like I’ve lost my fight. It’s okay, I’ll finally have peace. I remember feeling this when I was 14. Nobody believed me, because he was blood. Relatives would never do that. Nope. Let’s still help him go to school. Let’s still feed him when he’s hungry. Let’s ignore the fact that our daughter is wanting to kill herself because this human-imposed “purity” was the basis of that of a fulfilling and honorable marriage. But let’s help the enemy instead.

I feel it again today, unfortunately. And this time, I’m by myself. No one listens to you anyway, so what’s the point in surrounding yourself with people who have no care except to promote their own well-being, when you’ve been selfless this whole time? When you’d drop everything in a heartbeat, travel to them in short notice, but you’re just a passing hobby that gets too complicated. So bye, “it’s not you, it’s me,” yet again. Laugh it out. It’s going to be the case anyway.

She’s always handing her heart to people who would receive it, but not give anything back.

You’ll pass. you’re just a game. Try to explain it, and you’ll go insane.

Just wake up. It’s all a bad dream.

 

Wake up, you’re by the river stream. Pick the right choices from there. Don’t pick that box up. Save your money. Don’t buy that knife. Don’t cut your hair. Be beautiful. Keep singing, never stop. Don’t drink that.

Keep reading.

 

Is it something you’d die for? I doubt that’s passion, that’s just sacrifice and a justification of what’s “right.”

Does it make your heart beat fast, dilate your pupils, excite you, beckons you where you get distracted for hours on end, without tiring? That’s it.

Wake up. It keeps you awake. Find something that makes you want to stay away.

Don’t go to sleep.

Rage against the dying of the light.

Musing no. 9: I should just be alone.

The sun is out, shining its brightest. It’s 72 degrees in New York City. I’m sitting in a room full of people taking exams. 

I am paying attention to them, and paying no attention to them. 

I like my interactions with these people. Some of them I won’t see ever again, and I’m alright with that. But why am I here?

Because I need to make ends meet, so I’m working on a Saturday. At my third job. 

I could just complain more and blah blah blah, but I’m honestly just very lethargic. Days like these are when I wish I were just laying down on my bed, reading a book, sleeping, just laying down, catering to my tired-ness while I waste away.

Just kidding.

But seriously. 

All I ever wanted was to be loved and Be accepted for who I am, no matter how broken and screwed up I am. I’m working on it, I promise. Everyone just leaves because they automatically think people should be  finished and shiny. They forget that if you’re human, you’re a constant work of art, an oil painting that can numerously be modified and changed and improved and destroyed. And destroyed.

But hey, I don’t know how to deal with myself either. 

I feel like checking out sometimes. 

I heard it’s surreal. I heard it’s peaceful. 

I want that.

But not today, it seems. 

Musing no. 5: Talk to them.

Talk to the girl that’s always smiling.

You know her. She’s always asking about everyone else’s day, cracking jokes up, cheering people on, hugging those who need comforting, smiling at those nobody speaks to, and lending a listening ear to those that need it.

She hides something you know not about, something you should know about.

You don’t know that she cries herself to sleep, because of monsters from her past that haunt her. You don’t know that she sets her joy aside to make other people happy. You don’t know that the burden of succeeding and excelling coupled with her anxiety and depression cripple her, rendering her useless for hours on end.

And yet she gets up, gets dressed, and remains the same bubbly person you see.

You don’t know that because she asks about everyone else, but nobody asks her about her.

 

Talk to the guy that’s always watching.

You see him. He’s the one person helping other people move when no one else is willing to help. He lends you his coat when you’re cold, reminds you how amazing you are, cheers up those who feel like they’re failing, suggests solutions to those who are directionless.

He hides something you know not about, something you should know about.

You don’t know that he struggles to be confident because of the constant reminders of his mistakes. You don’t know that he helps to drag himself out of his room. You don’t know that his desire to make a difference coupled with his feeling of inadequacy pile up into a ball of confusion and a feeling of uselessness, no matter what he does.

And yet he gets up, gets dressed, and still goes out of his way to help.

You don’t know that he needs encouragement too, because all you see is him giving what he doesn’t get to others.

 

 

Talk to the person right in front of you.

You’ve been there. You see the difference they can make. You see the beauty they can create. Don’t just stand and watch. Don’t just stand and watch them ruin themselves.

Be their light. They need it. You need to share it.

Listen.

Observe.

Reach out.

Don’t pretend.

Don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not.

Being aware of how you feel is not a weakness. It’s the beginning to recognizing how you can mend what is broken.

Face it. And if it’s too difficult, talk to them–they’ll help you.

Talk to the people who help.

They’ve been there.

They know how you feel.

They were you.

 

 

Because it doesn’t matter whether people ask about them or not. They find their joy in helping those who need it.

But talk to them. And after that?

Listen.

Musing no. 4: Go to sleep.

Just kidding. I slept so much today, I think I’ll be up for the next week or so. 

I haven’t been good to myself and I’ve been procrastinating like no tomorrow. 

Literally.

What am I doing to myself?

Do you ever feel like you’re floating and have no reason to be here, but you also don’t want to die yet? 

I’m not afraid of death. In fact, I look forward to the day I don’t have to spend it on this earth anymore. 

But I also question existence. What if I’ll be stuck here? And I’ll just watch people I love get through and move on without me?

Why would I deprive myself of living and experiencing life with them?

Go to sleep. But don’t make it permanent.

Life is so much more than a bunch of commandments to follow.

There is hope.

There is reason.

You’re here for a reason. Don’t give up.

Allow yourself to recover, but don’t just stay there and be stagnant. 

Move. Get up. Find purpose in what you do.

It will all make sense some day. I promise.
I’m still trying to figure mine out. 

❤️