Musing no. 25: Hello, Wordsmith.

Words. I’ve always fallen for those so good with words. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I love to talk so much, that when someone else speaks I prefer to listen. But that has never benefited me, to be honest.

I dislike when people say things they don’t mean. They say things you want to hear, claim to be honest, then if they fall through–and you did expect them to–they say you have no faith. Excuse me. If I listened in the first place, then I’d have lost my soul already.

We sometimes forget how our words affect others; the way we say things and what our words mean can be totally different. Some may claim to be pleased doing this, some may lie about it. Whatever. You’re in charge of what you do and say to others at this point.

 

There will always be disappointment. You’re literally surrounded by liars. Family, friends, lovers, what-have-you… They all lie to you regularly. Hell, you even lie to yourself regularly. No, Janet, those pants do NOT accentuate your bum.

But my point is, don’t lie to yourselves. When you lie–self-righteousness like “I’m not the same person I was… I only deserve the best… I have to become better for you” type of crap–you don’t like to the other person. You lie to yourself. No, you don’t deserve the best, you can barely handle a real relationship. No, you are not the same person, but that same person makes you who you are, and you can’t really escape it. No, you don’t have to become better for me, you need to become better for someone better than me, because in your eyes I was not enough and I was flawed. THERE. Isn’t being honest SOOO much easier? Jeez.

 

I can not wait until I find someone I can speak to with any thought–no matter how shocking or appalling, how wondrous and amazing, how insane and inane, how beautiful and awesome. Time will come. I shall wait. I shall speak, and I shall be honest.

 

And. So. Should. You.

Musing no. 24: Homebound

As some of you already know, I am headed back to Canada tomorrow to take care of family. I initially just wanted to dip out, and not tell anyone about it, but I need you all to understand something.

I’m here for whoever needs someone to rely on, talk to, confide in, and comfort them. Most of you know that. I just ask two things of you—please say a prayer for my family. Please pray for healing, and that we get through our trials.

The other thing I am asking for you to do, is to love those around you. You don’t know the struggles they’re facing, no matter how happy they seem on the outside. Help them even just by checking up on them. I have friends who know me so well that they check up on me every day, even when everything is seemingly fine. I have friends who feed me when they can tell I haven’t been eating and I’ve lost my appetite (Ronald, I see you!). But PLEASE, be kind to each other. Be kind to those you encounter. No matter how annoying you think they are, you don’t know if you’re the one inspiring them to follow their passions and end up making a big difference in the world. You’re capable of being kind—use it.

I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back, but I am aiming for before the beginning of the Fall semester. I still have unfinished business to deal with here.

If no one else around you is kind, be the difference. It’s so easy to be apathetic and dismissive of people in this city; it’s also easy to just be considerate and helpful. Don’t break hearts. Mend them. Don’t hurt souls. Inspire them.

And again, be kind. Coz Lo told you so. 🙂 ❤

Musing no. 21: Broken-hearted 

Oh the Broken-hearted.

Spent their time pouring affection onto people who don’t reciprocate, or recognize that their feelings are genuine; that they just want someone to pour their heart into and love. 

And now they’re stuck hurting because people can’t love them the same way they expect. They expect. Don’t expect. 

It’s difficult when you spend a lot of time letting people know you care, that you’re always there, that time will pass but your emotions will be the same. And now you’re slowly going insane. Because they can’t do what you’ve intended for them to do. It isn’t fair to them; is it, to you?

We break our own hearts by handing them to people who can’t do the same for us.

No wonder some of us numb ourselves. 

It’s so easy to say, “don’t give up, love will come.”

It won’t. It never will. Some have to pursue it, and other times it just stays still. 

So then those who are trapped with nothing end up hating. Being miserable. Projecting hate onto those who don’t understand why. And yet we all sigh, we all sigh. 

So I’m tired. I’ll just be still.

And I personally accept the fact that I should just watch idly by. And not pursue. And not wait. And not expect, and not hate. I don’t know if I was made to have a mate.

If I end up alone, I guess I’ll be fine. 

No one wants to end up with a crazy; no one wants to be just mine.

Musing no. 19: Freedom

What is freedom?

What does it entail? Does it mean you are genuinely free from that which enslaves you? Or is it just an illusion that keeps you in chains in a way that makes you think you’re in control?

Is freedom being by yourself, or having the ability to enjoy whatever state you’re in?

Is freedom being surrounded by people who feel the same, or being secure in your solitude?

Is freedom the ability to travel, when you could enjoy what’s around you without cost?

Is freedom your ability to speak without hindrance, or the ability to speak and not hurt anyone with your words?

 

What is it?

Is it defined by someone else telling you what you need to do to feel free, or is it defined by your ability to decipher that which benefits you most?

Is it a way for you to practice your “free-ness” by not being tied down to one person, and just jump from one to another on a whim?

Is it really freedom when you confine yourself in a belief solely yours?

I don’t know either.

 

I think true freedom is found when you have peace with what you do, and don’t hurt those around you; and yet find fortune in what’s within, what’s surrounding, those who are there, those who are everywhere. And you feel love and are able to love–without holding back. THAT is freedom.

 

 

Musing no. 11: Are you awake?

Hi, it’s me.

Today, I feel like I’ve lost my fight. It’s okay, I’ll finally have peace. I remember feeling this when I was 14. Nobody believed me, because he was blood. Relatives would never do that. Nope. Let’s still help him go to school. Let’s still feed him when he’s hungry. Let’s ignore the fact that our daughter is wanting to kill herself because this human-imposed “purity” was the basis of that of a fulfilling and honorable marriage. But let’s help the enemy instead.

I feel it again today, unfortunately. And this time, I’m by myself. No one listens to you anyway, so what’s the point in surrounding yourself with people who have no care except to promote their own well-being, when you’ve been selfless this whole time? When you’d drop everything in a heartbeat, travel to them in short notice, but you’re just a passing hobby that gets too complicated. So bye, “it’s not you, it’s me,” yet again. Laugh it out. It’s going to be the case anyway.

She’s always handing her heart to people who would receive it, but not give anything back.

You’ll pass. you’re just a game. Try to explain it, and you’ll go insane.

Just wake up. It’s all a bad dream.

 

Wake up, you’re by the river stream. Pick the right choices from there. Don’t pick that box up. Save your money. Don’t buy that knife. Don’t cut your hair. Be beautiful. Keep singing, never stop. Don’t drink that.

Keep reading.

 

Is it something you’d die for? I doubt that’s passion, that’s just sacrifice and a justification of what’s “right.”

Does it make your heart beat fast, dilate your pupils, excite you, beckons you where you get distracted for hours on end, without tiring? That’s it.

Wake up. It keeps you awake. Find something that makes you want to stay away.

Don’t go to sleep.

Rage against the dying of the light.

Musing no. 10: Don’t ask me how I’m doing.

You don’t listen anyway. 

I say, “I’m fine, everything is well. I haven’t had an episode in days!” Just to make you feel like you’re doing your “job” as a friend.

But when I don’t respond, or just look at you, you know there’s something wrong. Of course you change the subject right away, because what the heck did you get into, asking me how I was doing, right?

Ugh.

Why do we ask people, “How are you? How have you been?!” If we aren’t genuinely interested in knowing how they are doing? Why do we say self-serving statements in order to prevent us from looking indifferent and clueless–when that’s exactly what we are?

Well, I don’t know either. 

Don’t ask me how I’m doing. 

Look into my eyes, maybe. Understand that there’s pain. Understand that it’s not easy. Understand that even if I go La-La Land all the freaking time, I’m not okay. I’m trying to be positive and find the good; I find the good even in those who think they’re no good. 

Listen to what I’m not saying. 

Then you will understand how I’m really doing without you asking questions that don’t warrant an honest answer. 

Musing no. 6: Allergy medicine

I feel like I’m floating and sinking at the same time.

To prevent my lungs from drowning in unwanted liquids, I have to consume very mind and body altering medication, and it’s screwing up my thoughts.

Why am I here? Does it matter? Do butterfly wings even flutter? Am I really here, or is this a dream? Why is everything like imaginary–it seems?

 

It’s nice and sunny outside, but all I want to do is go to sleep, and forget that i’m here, because I’m so exhausted. I feel like all my reason and all the help I need are gone because I fill my mind with questions no one is willing to answer. Be patient with me and understand that the reason I want to hold your hand and question things is because I’ve been dealt it, I’ve been dealt a hand. Maybe.

 

Maybe my thoughts are all the same, maybe I’ve slowly gone insane, but remember that what I say and do are not reflective of how I feel about you.

Maybe I’ll ruin it, maybe I won’t. My life is full of questions because when I used to love, I never asked a question and yet, there I was–left, abandoned.

I’m not quiet, I’m quiet–maybe audibly quiet. But the noise that goes through my head and my heart are such a storm that could rival that of the typhoons that take over the ring of fire every year.

But here I am now, and the questions that go through my mind, all the qualms, all my guesses, my worries, everything have to do with me wanting to be there, not screw it up this time, be with you. Not be left. Not be abandoned. I open up my soul, bare.

 

And still, no one knows what’s in there.

Musing no. 5: Talk to them.

Talk to the girl that’s always smiling.

You know her. She’s always asking about everyone else’s day, cracking jokes up, cheering people on, hugging those who need comforting, smiling at those nobody speaks to, and lending a listening ear to those that need it.

She hides something you know not about, something you should know about.

You don’t know that she cries herself to sleep, because of monsters from her past that haunt her. You don’t know that she sets her joy aside to make other people happy. You don’t know that the burden of succeeding and excelling coupled with her anxiety and depression cripple her, rendering her useless for hours on end.

And yet she gets up, gets dressed, and remains the same bubbly person you see.

You don’t know that because she asks about everyone else, but nobody asks her about her.

 

Talk to the guy that’s always watching.

You see him. He’s the one person helping other people move when no one else is willing to help. He lends you his coat when you’re cold, reminds you how amazing you are, cheers up those who feel like they’re failing, suggests solutions to those who are directionless.

He hides something you know not about, something you should know about.

You don’t know that he struggles to be confident because of the constant reminders of his mistakes. You don’t know that he helps to drag himself out of his room. You don’t know that his desire to make a difference coupled with his feeling of inadequacy pile up into a ball of confusion and a feeling of uselessness, no matter what he does.

And yet he gets up, gets dressed, and still goes out of his way to help.

You don’t know that he needs encouragement too, because all you see is him giving what he doesn’t get to others.

 

 

Talk to the person right in front of you.

You’ve been there. You see the difference they can make. You see the beauty they can create. Don’t just stand and watch. Don’t just stand and watch them ruin themselves.

Be their light. They need it. You need to share it.

Listen.

Observe.

Reach out.

Don’t pretend.

Don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not.

Being aware of how you feel is not a weakness. It’s the beginning to recognizing how you can mend what is broken.

Face it. And if it’s too difficult, talk to them–they’ll help you.

Talk to the people who help.

They’ve been there.

They know how you feel.

They were you.

 

 

Because it doesn’t matter whether people ask about them or not. They find their joy in helping those who need it.

But talk to them. And after that?

Listen.

Musing no. 2: Why do I do this?

Sometimes we think pushing people away before they push us away is a good move.

Wrong.

But it’s difficult not to, when you’re so used to being the one left. Neglected. Cheated on. Left in the dark.

So you build this wall.

And then think no one can tear it down, because you’ve done a great job pushing people away so far.

But you get that one person. 

Who keeps on trying to get through to you. Patient, awaiting your episode to calm. Awaiting your anger to subside. Awaiting you to become your happy you again. 

So they can share their happy with you. 

Don’t push them away. You’ll just hurt yourself. Because if they do leave, then you’re done.
Be happy now. Be miserable when things are worse. You never know what life places on your dinner plate. 

Lots and lots of challenges, but your awesomeness will quell and conquer it.

So don’t push people away. Push your negative thoughts away. Your insecure voices. Enjoy the now.
You never know when the last moment you have with that person will be.

Musing no. 1: Don’t get married.

Don’t get married 

When you think that you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life.

When you feel unwanted, useless, unworthy of love, and aren’t needed.

When you feel uglier than any girl you’ve seen around you, because you’re shorter, pudgier, uglier than them.

Don’t get married because you’re lonely.

Don’t get married because you’re getting old.

Don’t get married because your time to bear children is running out. Even those who have time may not be able to have children.

Don’t get married to hide your secrets.

Don’t get married to a secret. 

Don’t get married to a child. Respect the reason why there’s a gap between two river banks. A reason was set up.

Don’t get married when there are red flags.

One ref flag is a flag too many.

Don’t get married because they proposed to you on their birthday.

Don’t get married because their mom loves you. 

Don’t get married because you have nothing else better to do.

Don’t get married and promise things you don’t mean just to get what you want.

Don’t get married because you feel like you have to.

Don’t get married because he’s wearing the most expensive cologne, dressed nicely in a suit, bringing in six figures but can’t find time for you. 

Don’t get married and justify it’s God’s will.

Don’t get married because it’s what you think the right decision is at the time.
Don’t get married to an illusion that hides all your biggest fears.

Don’t get married to someone who won’t value you no matter what you do.

Don’t get married to someone more in love about earning money; notice I said “in love about earning,” and not “worried about earning for your family.”

Don’t get married if they love you more than God.

Don’t get married in a rush.

Get married when you both promise to become old, growing together.

Get married to someone who is curious how you brush your hair, put your makeup on, put your work shirt on, how you brush your teeth–all stupid details, but to them is the most adorable.

Get married to someone who isn’t ashamed of being with you or about you, no matter what. 

Get married to someone who is kind.

Get married to someone who wants to learn to love what you love, so they can share your joy for it.

Get married to someone who encourages your growth, and seeks to grow in knowledge with you.

Get married to someone who listens to your cries and comforts you, no matter how tired he or she is. 

Get married to someone whose priority is making you happy, because that’s what you do for them.

Get married to someone who’d go above and beyond for you, because they see what you sacrifice for them. 

Get married to your partner–not to a boss.

Get married when you understand that you don’t need to change your quirks because you’re enough, and that’s why they fell in love. 

Get married when you feel safe with them, because they’d rather suffer than cause you discomfort, or broken promises.

Get married when you find you.

Get married when you recognize that God comes first.

Get married to someone who recognizes what you believe and honors and loves you without diminishing respect for your beliefs.

Get married to someone who loves you for wearing glasses, no make up, PJs, and still thinks you’re the most gorgeous being they’d laid eyes on, on the planet.

Get married when it’s True Love. 

Because you wait for it. You don’t seek it out. 

It will arrive, and will engulf you in a cloud of comfort, peace, and joy. And it shall surpass all understanding.

Because He is the Source of infinite love and joy. 

Just wait.