Musing no. 20: Emanating

Any emotion one feels emanates. 

You can see it in my eyes. You can see it on my smile. Whether it be joy, sadness, pain, or excitement, you feel it by observing.

And yet all I feel is a void that’s missing feeling. It’s numb. It lingers from inside your chest, out into your arms, your forearm, your wrist. It takes over your hand, and your fingers feel warm at the tips. I feel it, and I hate it. 

My dad was right. I need to stop being too happy because everything will be balanced out with pain. 

But now I can’t genuinely enjoy joy, or peace; I await the arrival of sadness and chaos. How morbid. Don’t be like me. 

I have 5 layers of blankets. It’s summer. It simulates a hug. Simulates comfort. An embrace that I may not ever find. By inanimate objects that can’t rewind. 

Don’t be stuck in my mind, it’s no fun there. Everyday is a struggle to have fun. Everyday is not a fairytale. Thanks for telling me that, &$)@. 

I’ll just go to sleep. Sleep usually fixes it. Usually. Fixes. It.

Musing no. 15: That deep Low

Let me bring us back to 2005.

Hello, Lo of 2005. What have you done?

You went by “Lorie,” then you removed the “e” and it’s been “Lori” ever since. You’re a mess. In fact, you feel the exact same loneliness and brokenness from that time in 2005. Right? You just left everything you knew (for 2 years, anyway, since you’re gonna be moving 19 more times right after this), and then plunged into a culture you do not know, a language you do not speak, and a country whose airport smells like food. Whose country airport smells like food????

But after all the loneliness, suffering, learning to speak a language that will later on influence what you want to do in life, etc. etc.

*insert motivational quote here*

But today I feel low.

2017 Lo feels low.

It’s okay, though. I’ve gone through a lot the last few years.

I forgot what I was headed to with this post.

I’m gonna go nap for a bit and do a re-write later.