Musing no. 24: Homebound

As some of you already know, I am headed back to Canada tomorrow to take care of family. I initially just wanted to dip out, and not tell anyone about it, but I need you all to understand something.

I’m here for whoever needs someone to rely on, talk to, confide in, and comfort them. Most of you know that. I just ask two things of you—please say a prayer for my family. Please pray for healing, and that we get through our trials.

The other thing I am asking for you to do, is to love those around you. You don’t know the struggles they’re facing, no matter how happy they seem on the outside. Help them even just by checking up on them. I have friends who know me so well that they check up on me every day, even when everything is seemingly fine. I have friends who feed me when they can tell I haven’t been eating and I’ve lost my appetite (Ronald, I see you!). But PLEASE, be kind to each other. Be kind to those you encounter. No matter how annoying you think they are, you don’t know if you’re the one inspiring them to follow their passions and end up making a big difference in the world. You’re capable of being kind—use it.

I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back, but I am aiming for before the beginning of the Fall semester. I still have unfinished business to deal with here.

If no one else around you is kind, be the difference. It’s so easy to be apathetic and dismissive of people in this city; it’s also easy to just be considerate and helpful. Don’t break hearts. Mend them. Don’t hurt souls. Inspire them.

And again, be kind. Coz Lo told you so. 🙂 ❤

Musing no. 14: Kintsugi

So I felt broken. I still feel that way sometimes. I felt I had it together, had the perfect everything. Everyone thought everything was going well for me. From the outside I was pristine.

From the inside I had cracks slowly breaking through the outside.

I tried to drown it with justification. I tried to blame myself. Actually, I blame myself. It’s mostly my fault anyway. 

I feel like I’m never enough. And when I begin saying this, I can tell what people hide. I can tell when you act differently around me. I can tell when the way you touch me is different, the way you look at me. The way you don’t look at me. Why don’t you look at me? I suffocate people. 

My concern for their safety suffocates people.

And it was broken. My giant dam of emotions broke. It poured out. I had no control. I broke down. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to breathe. I was tired. I was alone. I got given up on. I got given up on.

After pouring my heart, my wishes, my soul, my poetry, my desires, everything you would invest in someone who promises to love you the way you love them–it just all trickled down the drain. Forgotten, set aside, shoved aside.

And I broke. 

And I hurt.

And I felt alone.

And I was alone.
So I bring all my broken pieces back to God–again–for the ump-teenth time. And cry. At His feet. Because I gave my love to someone who didn’t love Him more than me. I need someone who loves God more than me, who wants to grow in faith with God with me, and seeks His will and doesn’t doubt it.

Someone who runs to God when he is hurting, because he knows humans will fail him; I need someone who won’t hurt me because he thinks the carnal desires that take over him are what makes him human. Yes, they are. But if you claim to have a relationship with God, why live like that?
I’m tired of dating. I’m tired of wishing to be with someone who reciprocates and loves me the way I love them.

So I’ll wait. 

Learned my lesson again. 

So this time, I’ll wait. 

Maybe my love will come back someday. 

Only heaven knows.
And my broken pieces will be fused back together with the sliver of gold that takes over because of the Love I can always hold onto. 

Musing no. 13: Pray

Ok I’m done being upset. It’s in Your hands now. Everything I am and have. I’m tired of pretending I have everything under control, because clearly I’ve only set You aside. Learned–yet again–that I shouldn’t do that. People have and will let me down, and I need to learn that only You are my constant, in times of my struggles. No matter how unwanted I feel, worthless, directionless, and lonely, You still love me. Unwaveringly. 

Musing no. 12: Prayers

Most of you don’t know I speak 4 languages. Only 4. I’m working on the other 6, since I do want to end up knowing at least 10 functional ones before I die.
But I pray in Ilocano. My language closest to my heart. Pray to the God who gives you love when all you feel for yourself is hate. 
He won’t let you be by yourself without His unending support and love. 

It sounds stupid, after wallowing in depression for almost 3 weeks. But I find my comfort in Him. ❤️
Humans will fail you, no matter who they are, they will. 

God. Will.

Never. Leave you.

Musing no. 11: Are you awake?

Hi, it’s me.

Today, I feel like I’ve lost my fight. It’s okay, I’ll finally have peace. I remember feeling this when I was 14. Nobody believed me, because he was blood. Relatives would never do that. Nope. Let’s still help him go to school. Let’s still feed him when he’s hungry. Let’s ignore the fact that our daughter is wanting to kill herself because this human-imposed “purity” was the basis of that of a fulfilling and honorable marriage. But let’s help the enemy instead.

I feel it again today, unfortunately. And this time, I’m by myself. No one listens to you anyway, so what’s the point in surrounding yourself with people who have no care except to promote their own well-being, when you’ve been selfless this whole time? When you’d drop everything in a heartbeat, travel to them in short notice, but you’re just a passing hobby that gets too complicated. So bye, “it’s not you, it’s me,” yet again. Laugh it out. It’s going to be the case anyway.

She’s always handing her heart to people who would receive it, but not give anything back.

You’ll pass. you’re just a game. Try to explain it, and you’ll go insane.

Just wake up. It’s all a bad dream.

 

Wake up, you’re by the river stream. Pick the right choices from there. Don’t pick that box up. Save your money. Don’t buy that knife. Don’t cut your hair. Be beautiful. Keep singing, never stop. Don’t drink that.

Keep reading.

 

Is it something you’d die for? I doubt that’s passion, that’s just sacrifice and a justification of what’s “right.”

Does it make your heart beat fast, dilate your pupils, excite you, beckons you where you get distracted for hours on end, without tiring? That’s it.

Wake up. It keeps you awake. Find something that makes you want to stay away.

Don’t go to sleep.

Rage against the dying of the light.

Musing no. 8: No rest for the wicked

I wish I could sleep all my bad feelings away.

I end up waking up hating that I woke up. 

Kind of sucks when I literally have no time to relax right now. 

But I need rest.

“Come to me,” He said. I’m trying. But let me love You more than anything, please.

All this world does is hurt my heart.

Sometimes I feel like breaking and just reaching for the stars and infinity.

But I probably should just be patient.

Someday, I will love me.

Musing no. 7: To write about other things

Hi, it’s Lo.

So today I’m supposed to write a 12 page paper about geisha. I chose this topic because I feel like there needs to be more awareness about how it is slowly dwindling in appreciation. I’m not saying it’s not getting the attention it needs, but I decided to choose this object for my final paper.

My question is, why am I writing on here instead of writing my paper?

I don’t know.

Maybe I just needed a quick break from thinking about things that I just need to observe, and not try to change. I have this powerlessness that whatever I try will fail, and I end up being right.

But what if I keep writing my musings? Maybe someday I will find purpose. Stop the sadness that constantly visits my thoughts, even in the midst of times that are supposed to make me happy.

It’s kind of sad. Haha.

I don’t know if anyone will ever care about what I write here, or what impact it can make. But this life just seems so bland. Once all the highs are over, what’s next? Give to others? I’ve done that. Do what I want to do? I’ve tried that and have failed so far–or am still working on it.

It’s really difficult when I’m alone with my thoughts most of the time. I just wish that sometimes I could explain it to another person, so they know I’m not just morbid all the time. I just need reminding that things will eventually be better.

 

Just like you need that reminder too.

So I’ll remind you, while I wait for my reminder.

Musing no. 4: Go to sleep.

Just kidding. I slept so much today, I think I’ll be up for the next week or so. 

I haven’t been good to myself and I’ve been procrastinating like no tomorrow. 

Literally.

What am I doing to myself?

Do you ever feel like you’re floating and have no reason to be here, but you also don’t want to die yet? 

I’m not afraid of death. In fact, I look forward to the day I don’t have to spend it on this earth anymore. 

But I also question existence. What if I’ll be stuck here? And I’ll just watch people I love get through and move on without me?

Why would I deprive myself of living and experiencing life with them?

Go to sleep. But don’t make it permanent.

Life is so much more than a bunch of commandments to follow.

There is hope.

There is reason.

You’re here for a reason. Don’t give up.

Allow yourself to recover, but don’t just stay there and be stagnant. 

Move. Get up. Find purpose in what you do.

It will all make sense some day. I promise.
I’m still trying to figure mine out. 

❤️

Musing no. 1: Don’t get married.

Don’t get married 

When you think that you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life.

When you feel unwanted, useless, unworthy of love, and aren’t needed.

When you feel uglier than any girl you’ve seen around you, because you’re shorter, pudgier, uglier than them.

Don’t get married because you’re lonely.

Don’t get married because you’re getting old.

Don’t get married because your time to bear children is running out. Even those who have time may not be able to have children.

Don’t get married to hide your secrets.

Don’t get married to a secret. 

Don’t get married to a child. Respect the reason why there’s a gap between two river banks. A reason was set up.

Don’t get married when there are red flags.

One ref flag is a flag too many.

Don’t get married because they proposed to you on their birthday.

Don’t get married because their mom loves you. 

Don’t get married because you have nothing else better to do.

Don’t get married and promise things you don’t mean just to get what you want.

Don’t get married because you feel like you have to.

Don’t get married because he’s wearing the most expensive cologne, dressed nicely in a suit, bringing in six figures but can’t find time for you. 

Don’t get married and justify it’s God’s will.

Don’t get married because it’s what you think the right decision is at the time.
Don’t get married to an illusion that hides all your biggest fears.

Don’t get married to someone who won’t value you no matter what you do.

Don’t get married to someone more in love about earning money; notice I said “in love about earning,” and not “worried about earning for your family.”

Don’t get married if they love you more than God.

Don’t get married in a rush.

Get married when you both promise to become old, growing together.

Get married to someone who is curious how you brush your hair, put your makeup on, put your work shirt on, how you brush your teeth–all stupid details, but to them is the most adorable.

Get married to someone who isn’t ashamed of being with you or about you, no matter what. 

Get married to someone who is kind.

Get married to someone who wants to learn to love what you love, so they can share your joy for it.

Get married to someone who encourages your growth, and seeks to grow in knowledge with you.

Get married to someone who listens to your cries and comforts you, no matter how tired he or she is. 

Get married to someone whose priority is making you happy, because that’s what you do for them.

Get married to someone who’d go above and beyond for you, because they see what you sacrifice for them. 

Get married to your partner–not to a boss.

Get married when you understand that you don’t need to change your quirks because you’re enough, and that’s why they fell in love. 

Get married when you feel safe with them, because they’d rather suffer than cause you discomfort, or broken promises.

Get married when you find you.

Get married when you recognize that God comes first.

Get married to someone who recognizes what you believe and honors and loves you without diminishing respect for your beliefs.

Get married to someone who loves you for wearing glasses, no make up, PJs, and still thinks you’re the most gorgeous being they’d laid eyes on, on the planet.

Get married when it’s True Love. 

Because you wait for it. You don’t seek it out. 

It will arrive, and will engulf you in a cloud of comfort, peace, and joy. And it shall surpass all understanding.

Because He is the Source of infinite love and joy. 

Just wait.